Everything you need to know about Eurovision 2016

By Saskia Marriott

Belgium

Opening the show was 19 year old Laura Tesoro from Belgium; whose song was a clear tribute to Fleur East’s ‘Sax’ and Queen’s ‘Another One Bites the Dust’. Secured her 10th place though.2

1

Czech Republic

Second was Czech Republic singing their song ‘I Stand’. Let’s just say ballads should be banned from Eurovision *yawn*. You know their song is bad when they do worse than the UK… Kudos for the good use of the wind machine though.

 

3

The Netherlands

The Netherlands had eye candy Douwe Bob singing their song ‘Slow Down’ this year, who no doubt had a lot of confidence in winning, as he placed a €1000 bet on himself to win. And he had a good 10 second silence which was make or break for him, shame it was a break.

4

Azerbaijan

It took until the fourth song for most people to get engaged with Azerbaijan’s Samra singing Miracle. It was a heartfelt pop song with a catchy verse, and I am not ashamed to say I voted for it, even if she did look like a long lost Kardashian sister.

 

Hungary

Hungary’s representative sounded like a Harry Styles/Rod Stuart/Nickelback mix, yet with the looks of a rugged Zayn Malik, no complaints though. Well, the only complaint was apparently the fact he couldn’t tuck his shirt in properly…5

6

Italy

Let’s just say that Italy’s song was very forgettable but ended with what seemed to be an onion in her hand… Still managed to do better than us though.

7
 Israel

Yet another forgettable performance, however the artist did look like a classy Adam Lambert tribute act.

8

Bulgaria

Bulgaria’s representative Poli Genova was referred to as a ‘lesbian looking Cheryl Cole’ which, in all fairness, isn’t musically a compliment. The song itself was quite catchy and screamed Eurovision but is another one up there that was forgettable, alas.

Sweden

I think it’s fair to say that Sweden have to admit the fact that they will never, ever beat Euphoria, like ever. Admittedly last year they won with ‘Heroes’ which is a decent song, but I think they realised they probably can’t afford to host it again, so attempted to send in a cute recruit this year, Frans, with ‘If I Were Sorry’. Yes it was cute, and yes it was kinda catchy, but it will never be Euphoria.9 10

Germany

I have no words when it comes to Germany. Like at all. Her outfit says it all. She looks like a pokemon. And they came last, enough said.11

France

France’s song sparked fires in their Parliament due to their entry having English in the song… but it went down with the public very well. The song was catchy and Amir was quite dishy too, he secured a well earnt 6th place.

Poland

Despite the fact Poland’s act looked like a real life Captain Hook, the song was genuinely good. Like really good. It had multiple key changes people, this is what Eurovision is made for. However the new voting system just showed what different points can do, Poland were bottom during the Jury’s votes with 7 points, to then gain the third highest amount of public votes, 222, taking them to 8th place, bravo Poland.

Australia

Associate EBU member Australia joined Eurovision last year to mark an annual anniversary, and for some reason or another stayed around this year. 0 complaints though, their song was incredible and singer Dami Im’s vocals were insane. Although the majority of people were bitter that they were beating the majority of Europe at their own game, but no one can deny, they were god damn good, and people even argued at the end that they did deserve to win over Ukraine…12

Cyprus

Imagine a poor tribute act to The Killers and give them a remixed version of their hit ‘Somebody Told Me’ and it would give you Cyprus’ entry this year. It’s a no from me. And their stage set up was enough to give anyone a seizure – again, still did better than us though. Kudos to the camera man for having the world’s most dramatic zoom-in ever; the viewers almost got vertigo.1314

Serbia

Despite coming in 18th place, Serbia’s song was quite boring. It was a shouty ballad that went a miss with most viewers. Quite frankly I can’t for the life of me remember how it goes; all I have in my mind was the singer’s unflattering outfit. She looked like a modern Morticia Addams.15

Lithuania

The young contestant Donny Montell had Danny Zuco vibes, with a catchy song and good vocals. However, word on the street is that Justin Bieber wants his jacket back.

16 17

Croatia

Now Croatia’s song was nothing special, until Nina Kraljić walked on stage with an incredible dress and cape that looked like something from a futuristic Japanese film, until the cape was removed to reveal a dress, that made her look like a golden snitch from Harry Potter, with her backing dancers all in black looking like Death Eaters. Apart from that, it was pretty average. 18

Russia

The award for the coolest staging goes to Russia without a doubt, even if they did kinda steal it from Sweden’s entry last year… The song and vocals were very good, and came in third place following Ukraine and Australia.19

Spain

Spain’s entry Barei was a favourite contender to start with, singing a catchy pop-song, it seemed to go down well with the public however a disappointing reaction when it came to the vote and came in 22nd.

 Latvia

Yet another fitty to add to the list, Latvia’s contestant, known as Justs, gave a strong vocal performance with his song Heartbeat. I would argue that Latvia got overlooked this year, he came in 15th but his performance was very good and he seemed to go down well with the ladies.20

Ukraine

This year’s winner Ukraine won with ‘1944’, sang by contestant Jamala, which had a hypnotic ultramodern sound to it. Without a doubt it drew in a popular crowd and was a high-contender from the beginning. It just pipped Australia to the post; however I would say it was a well deserving winner.21

Malta

Malta’s entry Ira Losco with ‘Walk on Water’ was underrated, considering she was pregnant and still looked absolutely stunning and vocally strong, I was disappointed to see they only placed 12th. The song was catchy and is the sort of song that would go down a treat at a local festival. Good effort Malta.

Georgia

Georgia’s performance that was along the same lines as Cyprus’ was disappointing to say the least. The artists, Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz, who had a remarkable resemblance to drag queen Jinkx Monsoon, had a trippy mirrored stage set up, but a boring monotone song. Yet again, placed higher than the UK *sigh*.

22jinkx

Austria

Austria’s entry, known as ZOË, is possibly the cutest act to ever enter Eurovision; her voice was adorable and soft, with a catchy French song, who reminded many people of a Disney princess. She placed in a well-deserved 13th place.23

United Kingdom

The UK is renowned for sucking at Eurovision, like we never do well. Ever. The sooner Adele agrees to just do it for us, the better. People are forever blaming the fact that ‘everyone hates us’ which is partly true (shoutout to Malta who gave us 12 points) but don’t forget the year we sent Andrew Lloyd Webber to play a tune on a piano and we came 5th, the good old days. This year, Joe and Jake, who were contestants on The Voice, represented the UK. Yes they were vocally decent but our song, basically, sucked. It was no Scooch, but we were just so average it hurts. Third from last isn’t too shabby for us though. The best part of the UK being a part of Eurovision either has to be Richard Osman being our spokesman, or Graham Norton’s dry sassiness.24

Armenia

Iveta Mukuchyan, representing Armenia and closing the show, came on stage in a revealing bodysuit with a cape that grabbed more than just people’s attention. The song ‘LoveWave’ had a catchy melody and was without a doubt a banger to close the show with, I enjoyed her performance, and her legs. A well-deserved 7th place.25


Still, the best part of Eurovision wasn’t even the contestants or the funny parody song that was performed by the hosts, it was allllllllll about drooling over the biggest sex-god of all time, the one, the only, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. Thank you Eurovision.26

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